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Looking for Critique

Posted: May 16th, 2021, 5:11 pm
by copyzoid
I found some copy and I rewrote it with some imagination to make it better. Any feedback would be highly appreciated. Thank you.

Original copy

[Headline] How To Create Quotations and Proposals
That Win the Work

On average, 90% of the design work you’ll go after will require a detailed quotation or proposal. Even from current clients.

That’s why it’s so important to create a proposal that is as persuasive as possible. Just by improving a few key elements in your template, you can increase your chances of success by 20% or more. Do the math. That’s one more job you win out of every six you bid on!

In my upcoming teleclass, I’ll outline for you the latest best practices in creating and winning proposals. Mark your calendars. It’s on Thursday, October 21st.

My Revised Copy

[Headline] Remove the guesswork and ease stress when creating quotations and proposals that win more projects for your freelance business

According to the Freelance Institute of America (FIA), clients –both current and prospects– differentiate between average and excellent freelancers based on the kind of proposals and quotations they send.
This is why your proposals have to be extremely persuasive. By removing a few elements in your template, you increase your chances of success by 20% and you get a proven ready-to-go template for your next project. Proven templates also allow you to contact clients faster. Do the math, you increase your bidding net from 3 prospects with 0 wins to 6 prospects with 1 win. The cherry on top is that your template is easily customizable, which means fewer worries for you.
Visit my website freelanceteachings.com and join my e-mail newsletter to receive weekly updates on the latest and best practices high-earning freelancers use to create and win proposals. Join today to learn how to professionally communicate with clients and prospects.

Re: Looking for Critique

Posted: May 17th, 2021, 1:22 am
by SARubin
Well as a creative exercise what you did is good practice. But I'm not sure what kind of feedback you're looking for.

I guess my first question is "what do we know about the target audience"?

And my second question would be "what's the medium for this copy" or how is it being delivered?
Is this an email? Social post? Part of a full-page lead generation page? Something else?


Other than that, my main suggestion for you is to run your copy through the Flesch Kincaid readability score and try to get it closer to a score of 70.

I just ran yours through and right now it's closer to 56, which is fairly complex for the average reader.

By comparison, the original copy scored 72 which is better suited to around 80% of the worlds population.


Of course it all depends on the target market, but since this is going to freelance designers (according to the first sentence of the original copy) and not academics, it would be a good idea for you to simplify some of the language and get that score up a bit.


copyzoid wrote: May 16th, 2021, 5:11 pm I found some copy and I rewrote it with some imagination to make it better. Any feedback would be highly appreciated. Thank you.

Original copy

[Headline] How To Create Quotations and Proposals
That Win the Work

On average, 90% of the design work you’ll go after will require a detailed quotation or proposal. Even from current clients.

That’s why it’s so important to create a proposal that is as persuasive as possible. Just by improving a few key elements in your template, you can increase your chances of success by 20% or more. Do the math. That’s one more job you win out of every six you bid on!

In my upcoming teleclass, I’ll outline for you the latest best practices in creating and winning proposals. Mark your calendars. It’s on Thursday, October 21st.

My Revised Copy

[Headline] Remove the guesswork and ease stress when creating quotations and proposals that win more projects for your freelance business

According to the Freelance Institute of America (FIA), clients –both current and prospects– differentiate between average and excellent freelancers based on the kind of proposals and quotations they send.
This is why your proposals have to be extremely persuasive. By removing a few elements in your template, you increase your chances of success by 20% and you get a proven ready-to-go template for your next project. Proven templates also allow you to contact clients faster. Do the math, you increase your bidding net from 3 prospects with 0 wins to 6 prospects with 1 win. The cherry on top is that your template is easily customizable, which means fewer worries for you.
Visit my website freelanceteachings.com and join my e-mail newsletter to receive weekly updates on the latest and best practices high-earning freelancers use to create and win proposals. Join today to learn how to professionally communicate with clients and prospects.

Re: Looking for Critique

Posted: May 17th, 2021, 3:06 am
by copyzoid
Thank you very much SARubin I will take all these into consideration for my next attempt

Re: Looking for Critique

Posted: May 23rd, 2021, 2:05 am
by Franklin
I'm only guessing but it looks like the original copy could have been used in an email, based on the formatting. But your headline would be way to long for an email subject line.

A typical inbox reveals around 50 to 60 characters of an email's subject line. Your headline is a lot longer than 60 characters.
copyzoid wrote: May 16th, 2021, 5:11 pm [Headline] Remove the guesswork and ease stress when creating quotations and proposals that win more projects for your freelance business
But if this is for a squeeze page then your headline is good.


I'm also confused about this line
copyzoid wrote: May 16th, 2021, 5:11 pm The cherry on top is that your template is easily customizable, which means fewer worries for you.
I'd either cut that line out altogether, or elaborate on what you mean by "fewer worries for you." Because right now it's too vague to have any impact.

HTH

Re: Looking for Critique

Posted: May 23rd, 2021, 5:16 pm
by copyzoid
Thank you Franklin.