Sales copy for fitness personal trainer (Need critique)

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4201269
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Sales copy for fitness personal trainer (Need critique)

Post by 4201269 »

The brand offering this service is new to the business and has had a few customers before. Target market would be millennials and gen Z, while their common hang out spots are most likely to be at home, where they surf the Internet for leisure, where advertisements on YouTube and popular social media platforms are to have the greatest influential capability.

Headline: 3 Reasons to be Fit

In an age of ever increasing standards, it is undeniable that it is a need to improve yourself constantly. While many understand this, many neglect their personal health and deem it unnecessary to maintain fitness. However, we at (brand name) disagree and realize the importance of keeping fit.

“Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift of God, which is why we call it the present.”
― Bill Keane

You may not be able to do anything about yesterday, or tomorrow, but today is something you can definitely change! Starting with today, you can improve your overall fitness and (brand name) is more than willing to help you take your first step towards getting fit.

Our goal is to provide personal fitness trainer services that are affordable and effective in improving personal health. Personal training can enhance your lifestyle by creating an active, healthy lifestyle and promoting a healthier lifestyle through effective exercise and adequate nutrition.

At (brand name), we offer a wide variety of personal fitness trainer services to help improve your well-being. Our trainers are experienced and friendly, with the goal of helping you reach your fitness goals. Whether you want to lose weight, tone your physique or improve overall health, our plans are designed to work together with you to achieve these goals.

Testimonials of customers:

(image of trainer and customer working out)
-personal anecdote 1

(image of trainer and customer working out)
-personal anecdote 2

If you've read until this point, thank you! This means you're willing to take the difficult step few are willing to take.

To continue your journey, call (number) or text (number).
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Franklin
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Re: Sales copy for fitness personal trainer (Need critique)

Post by Franklin »

First: Welcome to the forum :)

Second: I don't think your headline will catch the attention of a lot of people on YouTube or most social media platforms :(

"3 Reasons to be fit" is OK for a blog post title, but when someone is watching videos or scrolling through a social feed, your headline needs to jump out and grab their attention fast or it will pass like a ship in the night. Unseen.

Just my first thought, at first glance.

Maybe someone else here can add to it
4201269 wrote: December 14th, 2022, 3:40 am The brand offering this service is new to the business and has had a few customers before. Target market would be millennials and gen Z, while their common hang out spots are most likely to be at home, where they surf the Internet for leisure, where advertisements on YouTube and popular social media platforms are to have the greatest influential capability.

Headline: 3 Reasons to be Fit
“If ignorance is bliss, there should be more happy people in this world.”
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Re: Sales copy for fitness personal trainer (Need critique)

Post by SARubin »

I applaud you for taking the first step towards becoming a copywriter. It's been said that even a journey of 1,000 miles begins with the first step.

And I want to encourage you to keep practicing, because practice leads to improvement. (as long as you're practicing the right things)

That said, and I don't want to be too harsh here, but what you've written is not sales copy.

Honestly, it looks like it could have been written by an AI content generator.
The writing appears to be grammatically correct, but it's all very left brained. There's no emotional impact and no connection to the reader.

Starting with your headline...

"3 Reasons to be Fit" could be a headline for a blog post. Which is fine if that's what you're writing, but you said you're writing sales copy, not a blog post.

As Franklin already mentioned, your headline needs to stop people in their tracks, and immediately get them interested in what you're offering. Especially when they're surfing the Internet, which is inherently full of distractions.

The thing is, nobody wakes up in the morning and says "Gee, I hope some marketer tries to sell me something today".
It's usually the opposite. People don't want to be bothered with anything that doesn't directly make them feel better about their own life.
And that includes your advertisement.


Here's a couple of posts about writing headlines that can give you a good starting point...


Essential ingredients for powerful headlines – (Part 1 of 2)

Essential ingredients for powerful headlines – (Part 2 of 2)

7 Proven Headline Formulas That Sell More Stuff


Continuing on with your opening lede...
In an age of ever increasing standards, it is undeniable that it is a need to improve yourself constantly. While many understand this, many neglect their personal health and deem it unnecessary to maintain fitness. However, we at (brand name) disagree and realize the importance of keeping fit.
Your copy starts with "many people this" and "many people that" and "you at (brand name) disagree".

But as your reader, I'm wondering when you're going to start talking about me and what I want?

You need to pull me out of the internal trance that is my daily life, and immediately get me to say "Hey, this is for me! It's something I care about, and it addresses a pain I want to fix or a pleasure I want to have".

If you don't do that, your copy will never pass the who cares test.


Other than that, some your body copy looks OK and just needs a little more emotional impact to make it passable.

But the first thing to work on is your headline and opening lede because the first few seconds are critical.
Your headline needs to grab your prospects attention in 1 second (or less). And then your first sentence needs to pull them deep into the copy. Otherwise the last thing they'll think, just before they click away, will be... "who cares".


I hope you take this critique with the helpful intent that was intended. I'm not trying to discourage you, quite the contrary, I would like to see you get your copywriting career off to a good start, built on a proper foundation.

I encourage you to read the posts I linked to above. Then come back here with a second draft (with a more powerful, reader focused, headline and opening lede) so we can see how much you've improved.

All the best,
Steve
4201269 wrote: December 14th, 2022, 3:40 am The brand offering this service is new to the business and has had a few customers before. Target market would be millennials and gen Z, while their common hang out spots are most likely to be at home, where they surf the Internet for leisure, where advertisements on YouTube and popular social media platforms are to have the greatest influential capability.

Headline: 3 Reasons to be Fit

In an age of ever increasing standards, it is undeniable that it is a need to improve yourself constantly. While many understand this, many neglect their personal health and deem it unnecessary to maintain fitness. However, we at (brand name) disagree and realize the importance of keeping fit.

“Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift of God, which is why we call it the present.”
― Bill Keane

You may not be able to do anything about yesterday, or tomorrow, but today is something you can definitely change! Starting with today, you can improve your overall fitness and (brand name) is more than willing to help you take your first step towards getting fit.

Our goal is to provide personal fitness trainer services that are affordable and effective in improving personal health. Personal training can enhance your lifestyle by creating an active, healthy lifestyle and promoting a healthier lifestyle through effective exercise and adequate nutrition.

At (brand name), we offer a wide variety of personal fitness trainer services to help improve your well-being. Our trainers are experienced and friendly, with the goal of helping you reach your fitness goals. Whether you want to lose weight, tone your physique or improve overall health, our plans are designed to work together with you to achieve these goals.

Testimonials of customers:

(image of trainer and customer working out)
-personal anecdote 1

(image of trainer and customer working out)
-personal anecdote 2

If you've read until this point, thank you! This means you're willing to take the difficult step few are willing to take.

To continue your journey, call (number) or text (number).
A good marketer knows how to think like a marketer - A great marketer learns how to think like the customer...
SARubin - Direct Response Copywriter / Conversion Flow Specialist
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4201269
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Joined: December 13th, 2022, 1:46 pm

Re: Sales copy for fitness personal trainer (Need critique)

Post by 4201269 »

Much thanks to Franklin and Steve.
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