Writers, critique this direct email copy!

Want some feedback on your copy? Then post it here (who knows... you just might get some good advice)
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Writers, critique this direct email copy!

Post by Caramba »

Subject line: Is Your Head Turning Grey?

How much cash have you wasted fighting grey hair? I talk about those beauty salons that charge hundreds of dollars for dyeing. A procedure is required each 6 – 8 weeks.

But what if there’s a much easier and cheaper way to saturate your grey hair with natural colors?


For a modest price of $50, our shampoo bottle facilitates a youthful look for your hair for around 5 months. It’s $200 cheaper than paying for salons! What’s our secret?

Super Dyer Shampoo contains a highly concentrated dye in different natural colors. Take a few ounces of it. After you spread it across your wet hair, wait 15 minutes, and simply wash away a Super Dyer. Voila! Your hair is dyed.
Not only this is cheap, but also convenient. Your entire hair care routine will take place inside your shower room, and the effect lasts 4 weeks.

Can Super Dyer harm your hair? Conversely. It contains argan and avocado oils that prevent hair breakage, often associated with salon dyeing.

Save your money and time. Order Super Dyer Shampoo right now and easily dye your hair in natural colors for the next 5 months. I guarantee you that each product application lasts for 4 weeks. If not, I’ll give you a full refund.

That's where the copy ends. I've been working as a marketing organization-employed SEO copywriter and I am interested in freelancing. I am gravitating towards email marketing. That's the first direct email I've written and I want to know what's good and bad about it so that I know in which direction should I be going. Thanks for your future replies!
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Re: Writers, critique this direct email copy!

Post by SARubin »

Hello Caramba,
Welcome to the forum.

There's a few grammar errors but you can work on that as you go. The main thing I would emphasize is to be more clear and specific on the cost, so you don't make your reader stop midway through the copy.

In one sentence you say our shampoo bottle facilitates a youthful look for your hair for around 5 months, and then, a few sentences later you say the effect lasts 4 weeks

I understand what you mean but it took me a couple seconds to put the numbers together. We should not make our reader work too hard to do the math because if they have to stop and think too much it breaks the flow of the message.

Try putting those numbers a bit closer together.

An example could be... Each application lasts 4 weeks and each bottle has enough magical serum for up to 5 applications. That means for only pennies a day you can have a more youthful and vibrant look for a full 5 Months!

That's only a rough draft and needs some fine tuning, but can you see how in only 2 sentences they can put the numbers together quickly and move on to the rest of the copy without stopping to think too much.

Hope that helps.

All the best,
A good marketer knows how to think like a marketer - A great marketer learns how to think like the customer...
SARubin - Direct Response Copywriter / Conversion Flow Expert
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Re: Writers, critique this direct email copy!

Post by LucasCepeda »


I am not a pro copywriter so I can't give you the best tips on how to write amazing copy but I can give you some other tips.

1- Make your sentences shorter so they are easier to read.
2- Be more precise. Is it for women? Maybe you can talk about a specific event instead of making it to general. (a date?, a b-day?, wedding?)
3- I would write the benefits using bullet points
4- Do you have some testimonial or social proof?
5- The price I would put it after the bullets. You can then compare the 200 dollar price and your price seems much better for better results.

This could work well with a story too.

Hope that helps.
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