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Hello Everyone i wrote this copy and I will really appreciate your critique on it

Want some feedback on your copy? Then post it here (who knows... you just might get some good advice)
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Pev Martins
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Hello Everyone i wrote this copy and I will really appreciate your critique on it

Post by Pev Martins »

ᴀ ʀᴇꜰʀᴇꜱʜɪɴɢ ꜱᴄᴇɴᴛ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ʜᴀꜱ ᴀ ʜᴜɴᴅʀᴇᴅ ᴀɴᴅ ᴏɴᴇ (101) ᴍᴇᴀɴɪɴɢ

What I'm about to tell you is absolutely true as incredible as it may sound, you must have experienced it or seen it happen before.

An exquisite & lovely scent can add extra value to your personality and boost your confidence

Imagine the attention you will command when your heavenly & intoxicating perfume scent fills a room full with people

For a business person it attracts a potential client or customer for young people seeking attention, your perfume immediately hooks your crush or date.

But, if your perfume doesn't have a divine and heavenly scent, but has a provoking fragrance it will also attract attention, but it attracts the wrong one nobody wants to do business or go out on a date with a person that doesn't scent good in that case my advice is…

Don't wear perfume at all reasons been it attracts the wrong audience not just that, the perfume's content may have an adverse effect on your skin from itches to throat irritation..

sneezing 🤧 and the likes of them but then, some top brands in the perfume business are unique & exquisite you can either use them to attract the right crowd to your self or get recommendations from friends especially those that scents special, unique and appealing. there again, there may be a concensus reason been…

Some people may say brands like surrati, 121 vip undiluted or Versace crystal noir are quite unique but they are expensive but, they ignore the up and coming brands that are willing to take their brand up the ladder with their….

Breath taking, purified, rare & outstanding fragrance one of such brand is le royal a up & coming perfume brand..

Le royal is the future of perfume with the mixture of almond oil, vodka & ethanol it gives you the masculine feel you desire or the sexy & sassy feeling you crave for as a woman. people who has used le royal has been full of praise about the perfume because, it has no adverse effect on your skin neither does it causes itches or throat irritation.
with le royal you fragrance will intimidate and command attention…

Try le royal and i assure you that you will ask for more.


Ps: Seasoned copywriters it would be an honor if you could critique this copy for me I'm still at beginners level thanks...
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jacob-sapir
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Re: Hello Everyone i wrote this copy and I will really appreciate your critique on it

Post by jacob-sapir »

Hey Pev Martins,

I'm not an expert copywriter so I won't get technical but as a beginner myself, what helped me was using Grammarly (it's a plugin for your grammar) to make sure there were no obvious mistakes in my copies, and also the website https://hemingwayapp.com/ helped me a lot with the wording. I feel like it could help with this copy. ;)
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Pev Martins
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Re: Hello Everyone i wrote this copy and I will really appreciate your critique on it

Post by Pev Martins »

thanks
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SARubin
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Re: Hello Everyone i wrote this copy and I will really appreciate your critique on it

Post by SARubin »

Hi Pev Martins,

It looks OK for a first draft. I can see the direction you're going and it has some good parts in it.

Jacob gave you some good advice. The grammar can be cleaned up a bit.

And the flow of the narrative is a bit choppy also.

So the next step is to let it sit for a day or two, and then go back with a fresh set of eyes and edit the copy.


What we're editing is anything out of place. Or sentences we can rearrange for a better flow to the copy. Or (most important) what words can we eliminate without losing any impact.


Here's what I mean...

You're headline looks good to me (except we need to put an "s" at the end of "meaning" because 101 is plural not singular)

ᴀ ʀᴇꜰʀᴇꜱʜɪɴɢ ꜱᴄᴇɴᴛ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ʜᴀꜱ ᴀ ʜᴜɴᴅʀᴇᴅ ᴀɴᴅ ᴏɴᴇ (101) ᴍᴇᴀɴɪɴɢs

Overall this headline is worth split testing in your live copy. It has a bit of curiosity and intrigue, which is good.

And as long as you place your ad in the right media, where the viewers are already interested in fashion and fragrances, this headline could work to attract interest.

But then your first sentence doesn't really flow from the headline.

Your headline got me interested about the 101 meanings of a scent. (Is this a special scent? What could these many meanings be?)


So the first sentence needs to build on that promise or you're going to lose a lot of readers right away.

I would try moving some of the sentences around to see if it flows any better.

Maybe something like...
ᴀ ʀᴇꜰʀᴇꜱʜɪɴɢ ꜱᴄᴇɴᴛ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ʜᴀꜱ ᴀ ʜᴜɴᴅʀᴇᴅ ᴀɴᴅ ᴏɴᴇ (101) ᴍᴇᴀɴɪɴgs

An exquisite & lovely scent that will add extra value to your personality and boost your confidence

For a business person it attracts clients or customers. For people seeking attention, it immediately hooks your crush or date and attracts them to you like a bee to honey.

Imagine the attention you will command when your heavenly & intoxicating perfume scent fills a room and attracts the people you most want to meet.

Something like that starts to flow a little smoother, and it immediately goes into some of those "meanings" that your headline promised me.


Play around with it a bit, rearrange some sentences and cut out any words that slow down the story.

Then put the copy down for a while and revisit it later with a fresh set of eyes. Repeat the process until it flows smooth from start to finish. And remember, nearly all good writers edit their copy ruthlessly

I don't think I've ever written a draft that I couldn't cut at least 15 to 20 percent out. And it almost always makes it stronger when I delete useless adjectives and superlatives.


Of course I don't know who your target market is so I'm only addressing the flow of copy in a general sense.

Also, if you're interested, I shared a copywriting checklist from Clayton Makepeace (one of the highest paid copywriters in history) in another topic on this forum.

You can download it from this other topic here...

Clayton Makepeace Tribute

It's about halfway down the page.
A good marketer knows how to think like a marketer - A great marketer learns how to think like the customer...
SARubin - Direct Response Copywriter / Conversion Flow Specialist
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Pev Martins
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Joined: June 11th, 2021, 6:44 am

Re: Hello Everyone i wrote this copy and I will really appreciate your critique on it

Post by Pev Martins »

Thanks you so much SARubin for taking your time to read this and correct my errors. I'm so happy that you have put my write up in the right direction i will revisit the copy with a fresh eyes like you said and try to see how i can make it better.

PS: I had been waiting for a copy critique for days i even sent it (this copy) to folk 10x ahead but, there have been no reply. Thanks SARubin for this i really appreciate.

PSS: Also i feel i didn't really do a good job on the pain points part.
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