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Ok my first attempt. Yes you can rip into it.

Want some feedback on your copy? Then post it here (who knows... you just might get some good advice)
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copylover
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Joined: February 19th, 2021, 2:54 am

Ok my first attempt. Yes you can rip into it.

Post by copylover »

So the background of this copy is for software that scans text off of documents and creates searchable text. Which helps with automation with various types of documents reducing manual labor inefficiencies.

Target is to sell this software to companies who hire data entry staff . Convince them that they will save money and process more data..

What I have come up with:

Pitch

Main Concept:
Process massive amounts of paper forms and data in a short time.
  • Its form data capture software which will cut your data entry staff in half.
  • Our accuracy is substantially higher than anybody out there. Our customers tell us how much time and money we have saved them.
  • Once data is captured we can make searching and sorting a breeze.
  • Easily deploy within existing workflows, with little or no changes to existing systems. We can deploy on your server or host on your own.
With our software customer's are processing large amounts of data at a high volume with low error rates.


Any thoughts things I am missing to make the copy flow better ?
TheWauchulin
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Posts: 16
Joined: March 16th, 2021, 11:51 pm

Re: Ok my first attempt. Yes you can rip into it.

Post by TheWauchulin »

At first glance, your pitch is all about the service, and not the potential client.

Even though your target audience is B2B, you MUST connect with those decision-makers on an emotional level FIRST, if you want to get their FULL attention.

For them, it may not be about saving time or money, because they already do that. Their pain point(s) may go deeper than that.
  • Are they losing clients?
  • Has their data entry service discovered they failed regulatory compliance, i.e., HIPPA, FINRA, CARDS, NIST, CMMC, GDPR?
  • Is their client base moving away from scanning paper forms and that service is declining?
  • Are they going through a digital transformation that eliminates the need for scanning paper documents altogether?
You must first dig out what's keeping them up at night before you start the pitch. Address those pain points first, then lead in with your software solution.

And one last point. Never conclude business decision-makers think differently than consumers. They remain, consumers, long before and long after they retire. The only difference, they have different budgets and constraints at work, but they are sorting through it, like a consumer.
copylover wrote: March 19th, 2021, 4:56 pm So the background of this copy is for software that scans text off of documents and creates searchable text. Which helps with automation with various types of documents reducing manual labor inefficiencies.

Target is to sell this software to companies that hire data entry staff. Convince them that they will save money and process more data.

What I have come up with:

Pitch

Main Concept:
Process massive amounts of paper forms and data in a short time.
  • Its form data capture software which will cut your data entry staff in half.
  • Our accuracy is substantially higher than anybody out there. Our customers tell us how much time and money we have saved them.
  • Once data is captured we can make searching and sorting a breeze.
  • Easily deploy within existing workflows, with little or no changes to existing systems. We can deploy on your server or host on your own.
With our software customer's are processing large amounts of data at a high volume with low error rates.


Any thoughts things I am missing to make the copy flow better ?
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SARubin
Copywriter
Posts: 331
Joined: January 12th, 2019, 8:00 am
Location: USA
Tagline: Spinning Words Into Gold
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Re: Ok my first attempt. Yes you can rip into it.

Post by SARubin »

Well copylover, I know your title says I can "rip into it" but I'm going to try and be gentle here, because I admire the fact that at least you're trying.

Unfortunately, what you have here is not sales copy. It looks more like a few random notes that you can maybe start to build your copy around?


For starters - Did you forget about the headline?

Your headline is ultimately important because it needs get your prospective customers attention Immediately!

Nobody wakes up in the morning thinking "Gee, I hope a bunch of people try to sell me stuff today".

Especially in B2B where your prospect is busy running their business. Your ad is a nuisance (like 1000 other ads they're being bombarded with daily)

You need to go from being an unwelcome pest, to a welcome guest. And your headline might be the only chance you have to stop people in their tracks, grab em by the eyeballs, and convince them it's in their best interest to pay attention to you for a minute.


Take the advice TheWauchulin gave you and study your market. Figure out what their main concerns are that your product can help with.

Are they mostly concerned about inefficient data entry costing them too much money?
Then your headline could be as simple as...

Cut Your Data Entry Time in Half and Save Money With This New Easy to Use Software!


Are they annoyed with their data entry staff making too many errors on a daily basis?
Then address it in your headline...

Finally! Error Free Data Entry - Guaranteed - or Double Your Money Back


The point is we need to know who our reader is, understand their frustrations or desires, and talk to our ideal customer on their level.
Not as a product pusher, but as a solution provider.


Here's a quick post I wrote the other day about creating headlines. It's not an in depth course in headlines, but it's a good start.

Introducing a Headline Formula Guaranteed to Pull Readers Into Your Copy

I recommend writing a dozen or more headlines following the basic principles in the post I linked to. And then we can see which 2 or 3 of them are worthy of testing with your copy, based on what your target market is looking for.


After you get your headline down we can talk about some other elements of salesmanship - like a solid hook and a single "big idea", understanding your readers level of awareness, guarantees, proof elements, calls to action, etc.

But it all starts with connecting to the story they're already telling themselves in their own heads, about the problem your software solves.


I get this was just your first try, and it's a start.

I hope you'll take the advice you got here with the helpfulness that was intended. And I'm looking forward to seeing your next draft.
copylover wrote: March 19th, 2021, 4:56 pm So the background of this copy is for software that scans text off of documents and creates searchable text. Which helps with automation with various types of documents reducing manual labor inefficiencies.

Target is to sell this software to companies who hire data entry staff . Convince them that they will save money and process more data..

What I have come up with:

Pitch

Main Concept:
Process massive amounts of paper forms and data in a short time.
  • Its form data capture software which will cut your data entry staff in half.
  • Our accuracy is substantially higher than anybody out there. Our customers tell us how much time and money we have saved them.
  • Once data is captured we can make searching and sorting a breeze.
  • Easily deploy within existing workflows, with little or no changes to existing systems. We can deploy on your server or host on your own.
With our software customer's are processing large amounts of data at a high volume with low error rates.


Any thoughts things I am missing to make the copy flow better ?
A good marketer knows how to think like a marketer - A great marketer learns how to think like the customer...
SARubin - Direct Response Copywriter / Conversion Flow Specialist
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WordyWordpecker
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Joined: May 27th, 2019, 1:25 pm

Re: Ok my first attempt. Yes you can rip into it.

Post by WordyWordpecker »

It looks ok but it could use more persuasion. People like stories, maybe you could add a story about how you created the software so people can relate to it better,
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Franklin
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Posts: 90
Joined: January 27th, 2019, 12:00 am
Location: Midwest

Re: Ok my first attempt. Yes you can rip into it.

Post by Franklin »

copylover wrote: March 19th, 2021, 4:56 pm
Target is to sell this software to companies who hire data entry staff . Convince them that they will save money and process more data.

Any thoughts things I am missing to make the copy flow better ?
Two things...

1) Where's the proof that it works and that it will do what you claim?

2) Why should I buy your software over your competitors? Is yours better - faster - easier to use ?
Choose your words wisely because what you say is not always what the other person hears
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copylover
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Posts: 7
Joined: February 19th, 2021, 2:54 am

Re: Ok my first attempt. Yes you can rip into it.

Post by copylover »

Apologize for the late reply been under the weather.

I highly appreciate everyone's input; @Franklin , @WordyWordpecker, @TheWauchulin, and @SARubin .
I am reviewing everything and reviewing my work with what you guys wrote and referencing other copy examples to learn and understand.

Thank you all for guiding me. I will work on the comments you gave me.
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Franklin
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Posts: 90
Joined: January 27th, 2019, 12:00 am
Location: Midwest

Re: Ok my first attempt. Yes you can rip into it.

Post by Franklin »

copylover wrote: April 9th, 2021, 12:25 am Apologize for the late reply been under the weather.

I highly appreciate everyone's input; @Franklin , @WordyWordpecker, @TheWauchulin, and @SARubin .
I am reviewing everything and reviewing my work with what you guys wrote and referencing other copy examples to learn and understand.

Thank you all for guiding me. I will work on the comments you gave me.
Stick with it and I'm sure you'll keep getting better. I've been writing for about 6 years and I still practice getting better every day.
Choose your words wisely because what you say is not always what the other person hears
User avatar
SARubin
Copywriter
Posts: 331
Joined: January 12th, 2019, 8:00 am
Location: USA
Tagline: Spinning Words Into Gold
Contact:

Re: Ok my first attempt. Yes you can rip into it.

Post by SARubin »

copylover wrote: April 9th, 2021, 12:25 am Apologize for the late reply been under the weather.

I highly appreciate everyone's input; @Franklin , @WordyWordpecker, @TheWauchulin, and @SARubin .
I am reviewing everything and reviewing my work with what you guys wrote and referencing other copy examples to learn and understand.

Thank you all for guiding me. I will work on the comments you gave me.
I hope you feel better soon. And I'm glad we could offer some help guiding you in the right direction. When you feel up to trying again I'd love to see your next draft
Franklin wrote: April 12th, 2021, 10:38 am I've been writing for about 6 years and I still practice getting better every day.
Yeah, I've been at it for a little more than 20. And I hope to get better at it by the end of the day
A good marketer knows how to think like a marketer - A great marketer learns how to think like the customer...
SARubin - Direct Response Copywriter / Conversion Flow Specialist
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