Well copylover, I know your title says I can "rip into it" but I'm going to try and be gentle here, because I admire the fact that at least you're trying.
Unfortunately, what you have here is not sales copy. It looks more like a few random notes that you can maybe start to build your copy around?
For starters - Did you forget about the headline?
Your headline is ultimately important because it needs get your prospective customers attention Immediately!
Nobody wakes up in the morning thinking "Gee, I hope a bunch of people try to sell me stuff today".
Especially in B2B where your prospect is busy running their business. Your ad is a nuisance (like 1000 other ads they're being bombarded with daily)
You need to go from being an unwelcome pest, to a welcome guest. And your headline might be the only chance you have to stop people in their tracks, grab em by the eyeballs, and convince them it's in their best interest to pay attention to you for a minute.
Take the advice TheWauchulin gave you and study your market. Figure out what their main concerns are that your product can help with.
Are they mostly concerned about inefficient data entry costing them too much money?
Then your headline could be as simple as...
Cut Your Data Entry Time in Half and Save Money With This New Easy to Use Software!
Are they annoyed with their data entry staff making too many errors on a daily basis?
Then address it in your headline...
Finally! Error Free Data Entry - Guaranteed - or Double Your Money Back
The point is we need to know who our reader is, understand their frustrations or desires, and talk to our ideal customer on their
Not as a product pusher, but as a solution provider.
Here's a quick post I wrote the other day about creating headlines. It's not an in depth course in headlines, but it's a good start.
Introducing a Headline Formula Guaranteed to Pull Readers Into Your Copy
I recommend writing a dozen or more headlines following the basic principles in the post I linked to. And then we can see which 2 or 3 of them are worthy of testing with your copy, based on what your target market is looking for.
After you get your headline down we can talk about some other elements of salesmanship - like a solid hook and a single "big idea", understanding your readers level of awareness, guarantees, proof elements, calls to action, etc.
But it all starts with connecting to the story they're already telling themselves in their own heads, about the problem your software solves.
I get this was just your first try, and it's a start.
I hope you'll take the advice you got here with the helpfulness that was intended. And I'm looking forward to seeing your next draft.
copylover wrote: ↑March 19th, 2021, 4:56 pm
So the background of this copy is for software that scans text off of documents and creates searchable text. Which helps with automation with various types of documents reducing manual labor inefficiencies.
Target is to sell this software to companies who hire data entry staff . Convince them that they will save money and process more data..
What I have come up with:
Process massive amounts of paper forms and data in a short time.
- Its form data capture software which will cut your data entry staff in half.
- Our accuracy is substantially higher than anybody out there. Our customers tell us how much time and money we have saved them.
- Once data is captured we can make searching and sorting a breeze.
- Easily deploy within existing workflows, with little or no changes to existing systems. We can deploy on your server or host on your own.
With our software customer's are processing large amounts of data at a high volume with low error rates.
Any thoughts things I am missing to make the copy flow better ?