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Is this a good copy? Patience Is Key To Happiness

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Mariowalker904
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Is this a good copy? Patience Is Key To Happiness

Post by Mariowalker904 »

Disclaimer: This is a sales pitch for my Christian Devotional titled Patience Is Key To Happiness. This devotional is aimed at Young Christians who struggle with rushing through life. I also bundled my other two Christian devotionals as well hence the 20 dollar price tag.

Are you impatient? Are you constantly hard on yourself for not living up to social norms? You are not alone. As a young Christian in my 20s, I often feel like I have to prove my maturity to my family and the world.

Last year I felt like a total failure because I didn't live up to the goal I set to make a living off poetry. Having my Godmother scold me about it on Thanksgiving Day only made matters worst, and I fell into a deep depression; I was so depressed I have didn't feel like eating on a day that's about eating.


Fast-forward to a few months later, I started my blog, and I began to learn what it means to wait on God. Now, I'm one of the top-rated Christian bloggers on Google with over 35 5-stars reviews (at only age 24), a Youtube channel with over 200 subscribers, and an a Tiktok following of over 5,000 followers. God has used my mess and turn it into a message.

It's hard being patient when you're young, especially in this F.O.M.O (Fear Of Missing Out) society. That is why I created a devotional titled Patience is Key To Happiness to help Young Christians to be content in every season of life.

If you buy my devotional, you will get two other devotionals titled (Peace Beyond Understanding and Confidence In Jesus) bundled together for $20. If you buy my devotional, you'll also get an opportunity to video chat with me on Youtube. If you are tired of being miserable and stressed out, buy my devotional Peace Beyond Understanding today at [promotional link removed by moderator]
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SARubin
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Re: Is this a good copy? Patience Is Key To Happiness

Post by SARubin »

I think it looks OK Mario. You've come a long way in just the few short months since you first posted here.

The only thing I'd recommend right now is bringing your reader into the story a bit more.

Your story is already relatable for anyone who it resonates with, but it doesn't hurt to bring it just a little closer to home for them.

You don't need to go "over the top" but a few subtle changes can make a big difference, and make it a bit more powerful (note in red)...
Mariowalker904 wrote: April 8th, 2021, 10:51 am God has used my mess and turn it into a message. And he can do the same for you.
Little details like that can help bring your reader into the story by allowing them to imagine it in their own life.


The only other thing I strongly recommend is lifting up the power in your closing...

You can start by simply changing the tone a little... Instead of saying "If you buy my devotional" try "when you buy my devotional"

Again, a subtle little change (it's only one word different) but now we're future pacing and bringing the product into your readers life.

I'd also give a short reason why the 2 bonus devotionals, and personal video chat are so great . This can help make the $20 price tag seem like an even bigger bargain.


Of course these are just a few suggestions you can try. They may help, they may not. But that's the whole point... a big part of copywriting is all about testing, making changes, and measuring the results (much like life itself)

Best of luck to you with your following, and your writing, Mario.

All the best,
Steve
A good marketer knows how to think like a marketer - A great marketer learns how to think like the customer...
SARubin - Direct Response Copywriter / Conversion Flow Specialist
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Franklin
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Re: Is this a good copy? Patience Is Key To Happiness

Post by Franklin »

It seems heartfelt, and other than a few glaring grammar errors I like it.

The 2 big questions I have are

1) Did you show it to your followers yet?

2) Did it get you any sales?
Mariowalker904 wrote: April 8th, 2021, 10:51 am Disclaimer: This is a sales pitch for my Christian Devotional titled Patience Is Key To Happiness. This devotional is aimed at Young Christians who struggle with rushing through life. I also bundled my other two Christian devotionals as well hence the 20 dollar price tag.

Are you impatient? Are you constantly hard on yourself for not living up to social norms? You are not alone. As a young Christian in my 20s, I often feel like I have to prove my maturity to my family and the world.

Last year I felt like a total failure because I didn't live up to the goal I set to make a living off poetry. Having my Godmother scold me about it on Thanksgiving Day only made matters worst, and I fell into a deep depression; I was so depressed I have didn't feel like eating on a day that's about eating.


Fast-forward to a few months later, I started my blog, and I began to learn what it means to wait on God. Now, I'm one of the top-rated Christian bloggers on Google with over 35 5-stars reviews (at only age 24), a Youtube channel with over 200 subscribers, and an a Tiktok following of over 5,000 followers. God has used my mess and turn it into a message.

It's hard being patient when you're young, especially in this F.O.M.O (Fear Of Missing Out) society. That is why I created a devotional titled Patience is Key To Happiness to help Young Christians to be content in every season of life.

If you buy my devotional, you will get two other devotionals titled (Peace Beyond Understanding and Confidence In Jesus) bundled together for $20. If you buy my devotional, you'll also get an opportunity to video chat with me on Youtube. If you are tired of being miserable and stressed out, buy my devotional Peace Beyond Understanding today at [promotional link removed by moderator]
Choose your words wisely because what you say is not always what the other person hears
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Re: Is this a good copy? Patience Is Key To Happiness

Post by Mariowalker904 »

Here's an updated version of my sales pitch


Are you impatient? Are you constantly hard on yourself for not living up to social norms? You are not alone. As a young Christian in my 20s, I often feel like I have to prove my maturity to my family and the world.

Last year I felt like a total failure because I didn't live up to the goal I set to make a living off poetry. Having my Godmother scold me about it on Thanksgiving Day only made matters worst, and I fell into a deep depression; I was so depressed I have didn't feel like eating on a day that's about eating. It was a hard day for me, especially after going a year with my mom being gone from cancer. I felt like I let my family down, and I let God down for not stewarding my money right. For years I tried proving to my family I could take care of myself, but I always fell short.


Fast-forward to a few months later, I started my blog, and I began to learn what it means to wait on God. Now, I have over 35 5-stars reviews (at only age 24), and I build a tiktok following over 5,000 followers. God has used my mess and turn it into a message. And he can do the same for you.

It's hard being patient when you're young, especially in this F.O.M.O (Fear Of Missing Out) society. That is why I created a devotional titled Patience is Key To Happiness to help Young Christians to be content in every season of life.

If you buy my devotional, you will get two other devotionals titled (Peace Beyond Understanding and Confidence In Jesus) bundled together for $20. If you buy my devotional, you'll also get an opportunity to video chat with me on Youtube. If you are tired of being miserable and stressed out, buy my devotional Peace Beyond Understanding today at [promotional link removed by moderator].
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Re: Is this a good copy? Patience Is Key To Happiness

Post by SARubin »

Mariowalker904 wrote: April 8th, 2021, 11:27 pm Here's an updated version of my sales pitch


Are you impatient? Are you constantly hard on yourself for not living up to social norms? You are not alone. As a young Christian in my 20s, I often feel like I have to prove my maturity to my family and the world.

Last year I felt like a total failure because I didn't live up to the goal I set to make a living off poetry. Having my Godmother scold me about it on Thanksgiving Day only made matters worst, and I fell into a deep depression; I was so depressed I have didn't feel like eating on a day that's about eating. It was a hard day for me, especially after going a year with my mom being gone from cancer. I felt like I let my family down, and I let God down for not stewarding my money right. For years I tried proving to my family I could take care of myself, but I always fell short.


Fast-forward to a few months later, I started my blog, and I began to learn what it means to wait on God. Now, I have over 35 5-stars reviews (at only age 24), and I build a tiktok following over 5,000 followers. God has used my mess and turn it into a message. And he can do the same for you.

It's hard being patient when you're young, especially in this F.O.M.O (Fear Of Missing Out) society. That is why I created a devotional titled Patience is Key To Happiness to help Young Christians to be content in every season of life.

If you buy my devotional, you will get two other devotionals titled (Peace Beyond Understanding and Confidence In Jesus) bundled together for $20. If you buy my devotional, you'll also get an opportunity to video chat with me on Youtube. If you are tired of being miserable and stressed out, buy my devotional Peace Beyond Understanding today at [promotional link removed by moderator].
Uhm, OK. I see you've added a few words to the copy. But Franklin brought up a good point...
Franklin wrote: April 8th, 2021, 5:08 pm 1) Did you show it to your followers yet?

2) Did it get you any sales?
When I replied before I just assumed you were already driving traffic to this page, and you were looking for advice to make it incrementally better. That was my mistake. (at my age I should know better than to make assumptions... yet, here we are :? )

So let's back up a step...

Have you tried putting this in front of your most likely buyers yet? And if you did what were the results?
A good marketer knows how to think like a marketer - A great marketer learns how to think like the customer...
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Wordsmith
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Re: Is this a good copy? Patience Is Key To Happiness

Post by Wordsmith »

Hello Mario,

I write for many agencies and the editors and copy chiefs I work with are brutal with my copy.

These individuals are brutal with any copywriter that brings them sales copy drafts.

Looking at your draft, here's what they would point out.

Note the red and blue words.
Mariowalker904 wrote: April 8th, 2021, 11:27 pm Here's an updated version of my sales pitch


Are you impatient? Are you constantly hard on youself for not living up to social norms? you are not alone. As a young Christian in my 20s, I often feel like I have to prove my maturity to my family and the world.

Last year I felt like a total failure because I didn't live up to the goal I set to make a living off poetry. Having my Godmother scold me about it on Thanksgiving Day only made matters worst, and I fell into a deep depression; I was so depressed I have didn't feel like eating on a day that's about eating. It was a hard day for me, especially after going a year with my mom being gone from cancer. I felt like I let my family down, and I let God down for not stewarding my money right. For years I tried proving to my family I could take care of myself, but I always fell short.


Fast-forward to a few months later, I started my blog, and I began to learn what it means to wait on God. Now, I have over 35 5-stars reviews (at only age 24), and I build a tiktok following over 5,000 followers. God has used my mess and turn it into a message. And he can do the same for you.

It's hard being patient when you're young, especially in this F.O.M.O (Fear Of Missing Out) society. That is why I created a devotional titled Patience is Key To Happiness to help Young Christians to be content in every season of life.

If you buy my devotional, you will get two other devotionals titled (Peace Beyond Understanding and Confidence In Jesus) bundled together for $20. If you buy my devotional, you'll also get an opportunity to video chat with me on Youtube. If you are tired of being miserable and stressed out, buy my devotional Peace Beyond Understanding today at [promotional link removed by moderator].
You have 11 blue words that talk directly to the reader.
  • You = 8 words
  • You'll = 1 word
  • You're = 1 word
  • Yourself = 1 word
You have 36 red words that talk about you.
  • I = 19 words
  • My = 13 words
  • Me = 3 words
  • Myself = 1 words
When you want to sell anything, to anybody, the sales copy must always be about your reader's loss or lack and how your product is the right solution.

Though your audience may be young or old, believer or non-believer, every one of them is consumer-minded.

That is the deep nature of humans. Your copy must tap into those emotions to grab their attention.

The best examples I would ask for you to review are the evangelical programs on tv, near the end of each show.

Study their "Sales" message carefully. They are the masters of evangelical or biblical sales copy, both on tv and in their sales copy.

Ask yourself how are they tugging at the heartstrings of their viewers? Take copious notes and review them over and over.

Peace!
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Franklin
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Re: Is this a good copy? Patience Is Key To Happiness

Post by Franklin »

SARubin wrote: April 9th, 2021, 7:56 pm Have you tried putting this in front of your most likely buyers yet?
The silence of no reply is deafening. Should we assume that means the answer is no?
Choose your words wisely because what you say is not always what the other person hears
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SARubin
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Re: Is this a good copy? Patience Is Key To Happiness

Post by SARubin »

Franklin wrote: April 12th, 2021, 10:44 am
SARubin wrote: April 9th, 2021, 7:56 pm Have you tried putting this in front of your most likely buyers yet?
The silence of no reply is deafening. Should we assume that means the answer is no?
Well, I've already made one assumption in this topic and I believe that exceeds my quota. So I'll let you make this one ;)
A good marketer knows how to think like a marketer - A great marketer learns how to think like the customer...
SARubin - Direct Response Copywriter / Conversion Flow Specialist
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