Tell the flaws of this Email

[dhananjay]

The target audience are the people who find it difficult to carry items in a small or medium sized bag and have to carry large bags even for short trips
Please tell me how can i write a better subject line than this and how can think more like a customer than a seller

How to carry more items in less space

Hi <name>,
Imagine yourself going on a trip with friends and you have a large bag but it has only few things
Wouldn’t it be embarrassing when your friends will say we are only going for a few days not to settle there
What will make it worse is that it won’t fit everywhere, so handling it will be tiresome
But what if you have bag which genuinely contains good no. of things and is not that much big
And also have cool designs and aesthetics to make your friends envious and is easy to handle
So to make your expectations to reality we have our new SAFARI BACKPACKS
To make your traveling easy
Our new bag has several new features
• It has multiple compartments to keep your things organized and easily accessible which means you don’t have to make a mess to find a single item
• It has water resistant and rain cover your bag won’t get wet which means your accessories will be safe even on rainy days
• It has variety of designs which means you have lot of choices and select from it and make your friends envy you
• It has adjustable straps which distributes weights equally on shoulders, chest, waist which means you won’t have all the burden on your back
• It ventilation and padding to promote airflow which means you won’t have sweaty back after a long journey
If you order within 24 hrs you will get 10% off on any backpack you choose
>>>>PLACE ORDER<<<<<

[SARubin]

The target audience are the people who find it difficult to carry items in a small or medium sized bag and have to carry large bags even for short trips
Please tell me how can i write a better subject line than this and how can think more like a customer than a seller

How to carry more items in less space

Hi dhananjay,
To write a better subject line than the one above you can try being more specific, and try calling out the person you're talking to right away.

When I first read the subject line "How to carry more items in less space" I didn't know if you were selling luggage for an airplane trip, or a handbags for a trip to the market. It isn't until halfway down the copy that I start to see you're selling backpacks (I'm guessing to hikers?)

That's too late in the copy to let people know the offer is of interest to them. Most people are busy, and if you don't grab their attention right away they will click away and move on.

Try being more specific because if your headline could mean everything to everyone, then it doesn't mean anything to anyone.

Hi <name>,
Imagine yourself going on a trip with friends and you have a large bag but it has only few things
Wouldn’t it be embarrassing when your friends will say we are only going for a few days not to settle there
What will make it worse is that it won’t fit everywhere, so handling it will be tiresome
But what if you have bag which genuinely contains good no. of things and is not that much big
And also have cool designs and aesthetics to make your friends envious and is easy to handle
So to make your expectations to reality we have our new SAFARI BACKPACKS
To make your traveling easy
Our new bag has several new features
• It has multiple compartments to keep your things organized and easily accessible which means you don’t have to make a mess to find a single item
• It has water resistant and rain cover your bag won’t get wet which means your accessories will be safe even on rainy days
• It has variety of designs which means you have lot of choices and select from it and make your friends envy you
• It has adjustable straps which distributes weights equally on shoulders, chest, waist which means you won’t have all the burden on your back
• It ventilation and padding to promote airflow which means you won’t have sweaty back after a long journey
If you order within 24 hrs you will get 10% off on any backpack you choose
>>>>PLACE ORDER<<<<<

[dhananjay]

How does this sound
The magical backpack every hiker needs

[SARubin]

Yes, much better. Now you're getting the idea

If I'm a hiker, now I know you're talking to me. And now your headline got my attention...

And, "The magical backpack every hiker needs" invokes just enough curiosity to make me wonder what's so magical about it.

Good job...

How does this sound
The magical backpack every hiker needs