Copywriters Forum

This is an email in the make money online niche and is about how to start affiliate and CPA marketing.


Subject: Affiliate CPA: My Humbling Start

Hey [First name],

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Hey Mubarak,
It looks pretty good. I do have a suggestion that might make it flow a little better.

The first thing that caught my eye is the opening lede could use a better segue.

Your headline (subject line) says...

Subject: Affiliate CPA: My Humbling Start

This is a good headline. It leads me to believe you're going to start with a personal origin story so I can get to know you a little better.
But then you don't tell me anything about your humble start, and it breaks the flow.

The first sentence should follow the headline because that's what pulled your reader into your copy in the first place.

I'd suggest a transition sentence or two that flows from the headline into the pain-point of your opening lede.

Maybe something like

Mubarak mahruf wrote:
Subject: Affiliate CPA: My Humbling Start

Hey [First name],
When I first started with affiliate marketing I didn't have a clue what I was doing. I thought I could jump right in and start making money with no help from anyone.
After a couple of weeks, when I hadn't made a penny yet, I starting feeling frustrated because nothing I tried was working. I started thinking maybe I wasn't good enough. It was a humbling experience that taught me a valuable life lesson.

Have you ever experienced the frustration of starting something new only to find yourself lost and unable to find your way around? Particularly in regards to Affiliate marketing and CPA marketing, I can identify.

Beginners frequently waste time and money as a result of this lack of guidance because they unintentionally make crucial errors that could prevent them from succeeding. Seeing successful businesses fail because of typical pitfalls is discouraging and makes many people lose faith in Affiliate marketing and CPA marketing.

That's just an example. I tried to follow your tone of copy, but you'd have to edit it to make it sound more like you.


Other than that, my only other suggestion might be to use a few simpler words whenever possible.

I just ran your copy through the Flesch Kincaid Reading score and it came back around 47, which is considered college level reading (hard to read for the average person).

Of course if your market are all college graduates then complex language might be exactly what you need, but if you're selling to average people then we should try to get that score up to 60 or 70, which is high school level reading.

When I was more heavily into my own copywriting, I notice a measurable bump in conversions when I started simplifying my language and aimed for around 70 on the Flesch Kincaid reading score.

I guess it's because most people stop expanding their vocabularies after high school?

Anyway, hope that helps.

Thanks so much for the review. I really appreciate and am gonna follow your advice to improve my copy.