Rate my work/ critique my copy.

[Somewhat]

Hey, hope you're doing well.

I am doing practice on emails and writing a welcome sequence. I wrote the first email needs some critique.

I don't really see a way to improve this except change the angle of "friends," but I don't think it is a good idea since the reader feels like it is a person-to-person conversation. Only then can I really persuade them?...do tell me if I am wrong. This email is for people who suffer from brain fog, and the product is a neurotropic supplement. As for the target market and avatar, check out this Doc. I am not writing it here because then this post will be very long... (Edited)

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Xf_ ... sp=sharing

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Email: #1 (Delivering the free eBook and priming them for email #2)
Subject Line: Download your E-book
Preview Text: Harness The Power Of Your Mind: 10 Steps To Expel Brain Fog From Your Brain.

Wassup (FNAME)

Finally, we can expel brain fog out of your brain,

Together,

Because…

…you registered to read the free E-book I made for you

You will find your E-book at the bottom of this email.

BUT WAIT!

Don’t scroll down yet.

I will email you every day,

Because from now on, we’re friends,

And I must help my friend fight this fog,

And expel it.

If you’re not cool with that, unsubscribe by clicking the link at the bottom of this email…

…if you do, no worries.

But if you befriend me and don’t leave..brain fog will never persist.

Do me one favor, though,

Hit REPLY to this email so I know you are ready,

Just say “YES.”

Or share your problems; I read every email

Anyways,

Here is your E-book

Come back tomorrow I will share my story on how I banished brain fog,

Forever.

Don’t miss it…I will teach you, too

(Signature)

PS: You will come, right?

[SARubin]

The target market is 20-60-year-old males doing a corporate job who hates it and want to start their own business.

Hey Somewhat,
Welcome to the forum. I'm happy to see you taking an interest in copywriting.

I glanced at your copy, but before we even get into your copy, I think we should start at the beginning...

Right from the start you're scattered all over the place.

20 - 60 year old males doing a corporate job is not a focused enough market you can target with the same message.

Those are two very different markets, each at the extreme end of a wide ranging demographic.

20 year olds have their entire working life ahead of them. This group can easily shift directions in their career with plenty of time to try different things.

But 60 year olds are already looking at retirement in a couple years. They might hate their job but they're not going anywhere until that corporate pension kicks in. They might still have a mortgage to pay or be paying to send their children to college?

Like I said, two very different markets book-ending a wide market range. And it takes a different message to connect with the different stages of life.

So before you write a single word of copy...

FIRST, you must know who you are writing to.

Here are a couple of posts I wrote a while ago. They might help you move forward with this critical step when it comes to copywriting

Who is your target market?

Defining Your Customers – Fundamentals Of Copywriting Part 2


Take a look at them, and then let me know if you have any questions before you write any more copy.

All the best,
Steve

[Somewhat]

The target market is 20-60-year-old males doing a corporate job who hates it and want to start their own business.

Hey Somewhat,
Welcome to the forum. I'm happy to see you taking an interest in copywriting.

I glanced at your copy, but before we even get into your copy, I think we should start at the beginning...

Right from the start you're scattered all over the place.

20 - 60 year old males doing a corporate job is not a focused enough market you can target with the same message.

Those are two very different markets, each at the extreme end of a wide ranging demographic.

20 year olds have their entire working life ahead of them. This group can easily shift directions in their career with plenty of time to try different things.

But 60 year olds are already looking at retirement in a couple years. They might hate their job but they're not going anywhere until that corporate pension kicks in. They might still have a mortgage to pay or be paying to send their children to college?

Like I said, two very different markets book-ending a wide market range. And it takes a different message to connect with the different stages of life.

So before you write a single word of copy...

FIRST, you must know who you are writing to.

Here are a couple of posts I wrote a while ago. They might help you move forward with this critical step when it comes to copywriting

Who is your target market?

Defining Your Customers – Fundamentals Of Copywriting Part 2


Take a look at them, and then let me know if you have any questions before you write any more copy.

All the best,
Steve

Hey, thank you for the reply; I actually have a full Google doc with an Avatar built and a target market defined. I just put that as an example so the reading is less, but it was my fault. I have attached the doc with all the details I know I can go even deeper, but I didn't as I thought it was just a practice there isn't really any point in going deeper than that plus, I was also a perfect Avatar for this product so I didn't go much deeper. You can check out the doc and let me know about it, plus share your review about the copy. I will really appreciate it...and again, thank you for the reply <3

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Xf_ ... sp=sharing

[SARubin]

Hey, thank you for the reply; I actually have a full Google doc with an Avatar built and a target market defined. I just put that as an example so the reading is less, but it was my fault. I have attached the doc with all the details I know I can go even deeper, but I didn't as I thought it was just a practice there isn't really any point in going deeper than that plus, I was also a perfect Avatar for this product so I didn't go much deeper. You can check out the doc and let me know about it, plus share your review about the copy. I will really appreciate it...and again, thank you for the reply <3

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Xf_ ... sp=sharing

Yes, your google doc is much more focused and detailed. Good job!

As far as your email copy, it looks OK. It's hard to say what will resonate with any particular market until we start tracking and measuring results.

The main thing to remember with this type of sequence is to keep a consistent message and tone, with the follow up emails. That way people on your list can become more familiar and comfortable with you in their life.


One thing I might do different, If I were writing it, I would touch a little more on the pain points (just a little) to remind people that you know what they're going through.
And then remind them of the benefits of overcoming brain fog.

Maybe just a sentence or two. Something like...

Are you fed up with brain fog blurring your thoughts and robbing you of the successful life you deserve?

Are you ready to finally break free of the mental fatigue and lack of focus that's keeping you from achieving everything you want in life?

You're in luck! Because this free E-book you're about to download is the first step to saying goodbye to brain fog once and for all!

And then go into your copy

Finally, we can expel brain fog out of your brain,

Together,


Of course that's just my style and you need to write with your own style, (or the style your client wants when writing for someone else) but touching on pain points while offering hope has proven to be very effective for me over the years.

Maybe you can give it a try and see if it works for you?

All the best,
Steve

[Somewhat]

Hey, thank you for the reply; I actually have a full Google doc with an Avatar built and a target market defined. I just put that as an example so the reading is less, but it was my fault. I have attached the doc with all the details I know I can go even deeper, but I didn't as I thought it was just a practice there isn't really any point in going deeper than that plus, I was also a perfect Avatar for this product so I didn't go much deeper. You can check out the doc and let me know about it, plus share your review about the copy. I will really appreciate it...and again, thank you for the reply <3

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Xf_ ... sp=sharing

Yes, your google doc is much more focused and detailed. Good job!

As far as your email copy, it looks OK. It's hard to say what will resonate with any particular market until we start tracking and measuring results.

The main thing to remember with this type of sequence is to keep a consistent message and tone, with the follow up emails. That way people on your list can become more familiar and comfortable with you in their life.


One thing I might do different, If I were writing it, I would touch a little more on the pain points (just a little) to remind people that you know what they're going through.
And then remind them of the benefits of overcoming brain fog.

Maybe just a sentence or two. Something like...

Are you fed up with brain fog blurring your thoughts and robbing you of the successful life you deserve?

Are you ready to finally break free of the mental fatigue and lack of focus that's keeping you from achieving everything you want in life?

You're in luck! Because this free E-book you're about to download is the first step to saying goodbye to brain fog once and for all!

And then go into your copy

Finally, we can expel brain fog out of your brain,

Together,


Of course that's just my style and you need to write with your own style, (or the style your client wants when writing for someone else) but touching on pain points while offering hope has proven to be very effective for me over the years.

Maybe you can give it a try and see if it works for you?

All the best,
Steve

Thank you for the help. I appreciate it.

As for the pain points, if it has proven to work for you, I will definitely test it out.

I followed your suggestion and came up with this:

"Wassup (FNAME)

Finally, you can break free from brain fog and the lack of focus that keeps you from achieving anything in life.

And we will do it together,

Because…

…this free e-Book I made for you is the closest thing to clarity in words,

As you read every word I wrote, you will feel the clarity returning and the brain fog fading away."

Hope you like it.