Can I borrow your time for 2 minutes? Need your suggestions for this welcome email

[Zak1357]

BUSINESS:
Deliver fresh and hot coffees to customers' homes.
They order through the business's website.

TARGET CUSTOMERS:
Millennials


SUBJECT LINE:
Thanks for signing up! Here's your discount code


BODY:

Hi!

I’m Zak from [company name] …

Congratulations!

Consider yourself lucky because you’ve just found the gold mine of intensely cheap + high quality coffee in Australia (and later the world bwahaha ... I promise you we’re not evil)

Since you’re now officially a new member of our family of coffee lovers, you deserve a treat ...

Here's a special welcome gift for you ...

We're giving you not 20%,

or even 50% ...

but 70% DISCOUNT in all your purchases!


Code: WELCOME70
Enter at checkout


And guess what? Here's the fun part ...

This discount offer lasts for 7 DAYS! So you can try and drink as many flavors as you'd like from our store for a super cheap price

“That’s a pretty huge discount, won’t it be bad for your business?”, you may ask.

Well, let me tell you ...

Our business has started from making our friend, who was sick at that time, a homemade coffee that he surprisingly liked (considering he likes to go out and drink only high-quality coffees)

[company name] is built on friendships and fostering relationships

We serve coffee not for the cha-ching, but for your overall well-being

(Tell me that rhymes good or the 70% discount will be reduced to 60% ... no just kidding haha)

The point is that we value relationships

And that’s why we’re giving this huge discount to you

We want to spoil our new family member — you, of course — to drink as many coffees as you'd like for 7 DAYS while trying out different flavors that match your taste buds

Imagine having to brag to your friends and family that you get to drink immensely cheap, but high quality coffees for as long as you wish. Try to think of their reactions haha

So what are you waiting for? Order your coffees NOW and enter WELCOME70 at checkout!


Talk soon,
Zak

[SARubin]

It looks pretty good Zak,
Of course like most copy it can be tightened up a bit. But overall it's welcoming and it gives a nice discount incentive to get that first sale rolling.

I have a couple suggestions but first a quick question...Is this for an actual promotion or is just for practice?

All the best,
Steve

BUSINESS:
Deliver fresh and hot coffees to customers' homes.
They order through the business's website.

TARGET CUSTOMERS:
Millennials


SUBJECT LINE:
Thanks for signing up! Here's your discount code


BODY:

Hi!

I’m Zak from [company name] …

Congratulations!

Consider yourself lucky because you’ve just found the gold mine of intensely cheap + high quality coffee in Australia (and later the world bwahaha ... I promise you we’re not evil)

Since you’re now officially a new member of our family of coffee lovers, you deserve a treat ...

Here's a special welcome gift for you ...

We're giving you not 20%,

or even 50% ...

but 70% DISCOUNT in all your purchases!


Code: WELCOME70
Enter at checkout


And guess what? Here's the fun part ...

This discount offer lasts for 7 DAYS! So you can try and drink as many flavors as you'd like from our store for a super cheap price

“That’s a pretty huge discount, won’t it be bad for your business?”, you may ask.

Well, let me tell you ...

Our business has started from making our friend, who was sick at that time, a homemade coffee that he surprisingly liked (considering he likes to go out and drink only high-quality coffees)

[company name] is built on friendships and fostering relationships

We serve coffee not for the cha-ching, but for your overall well-being

(Tell me that rhymes good or the 70% discount will be reduced to 60% ... no just kidding haha)

The point is that we value relationships

And that’s why we’re giving this huge discount to you

We want to spoil our new family member — you, of course — to drink as many coffees as you'd like for 7 DAYS while trying out different flavors that match your taste buds

Imagine having to brag to your friends and family that you get to drink immensely cheap, but high quality coffees for as long as you wish. Try to think of their reactions haha

So what are you waiting for? Order your coffees NOW and enter WELCOME70 at checkout!


Talk soon,
Zak

[Zak1357]

Thank you. It's just for practice. I'm looking forward to your suggestions..

It looks pretty good Zak,
Of course like most copy it can be tightened up a bit. But overall it's welcoming and it gives a nice discount incentive to get that first sale rolling.

I have a couple suggestions but first a quick question...Is this for an actual promotion or is just for practice?

All the best,
Steve

[SARubin]

Like I said, it looks pretty good. A couple things that popped out at me are near the end of the copy...

Where you say "Imagine having to brag to your friends and family that you get to drink immensely cheap, but high quality coffees for as long as you wish"

Change the word "having" to "getting"

Having to do something sounds like you're being forced to do it. It feels like work.
Getting to do something feels more like a reward.

One other thing,
At the end where you say "enter WELCOME70 at checkout!" reiterate the 70 percent discount so it's the last thing they remember.
So it might say something like "So what are you waiting for? Order your coffees NOW and remember to enter WELCOME70 at checkout for your huge 70% discount, but only for the next 7 days so don't wait too long"


You can even put it in a P.S so it's after your sign-off. Even people who only skim emails tend to still read the headline and the P.S.

Anyway, there's a couple suggestions to help you pump up the power of the copy. Hope it helps.

All the best,
Steve

[Zak1357]

Thank you so much for the suggestions Steve. I really appreciate it. Never thought about the people who might skim the email, I'll keep that in mind. I'm still new to copywriting, and only been learning stuff from YouTube and a few books. I still have a long way to go..

In the welcome email, I actually thought that the jokes were a bit corny or not funny at all, and even sound awkward as I read the copy again before posting it here. Not sure if you felt the same way as well. What are your thoughts on those?

Like I said, it looks pretty good. A couple things that popped out at me are near the end of the copy...

Where you say "Imagine having to brag to your friends and family that you get to drink immensely cheap, but high quality coffees for as long as you wish"

Change the word "having" to "getting"

Having to do something sounds like you're being forced to do it. It feels like work.
Getting to do something feels more like a reward.

One other thing,
At the end where you say "enter WELCOME70 at checkout!" reiterate the 70 percent discount so it's the last thing they remember.
So it might say something like "So what are you waiting for? Order your coffees NOW and remember to enter WELCOME70 at checkout for your huge 70% discount, but only for the next 7 days so don't wait too long"


You can even put it in a P.S so it's after your sign-off. Even people who only skim emails tend to still read the headline and the P.S.

Anyway, there's a couple suggestions to help you pump up the power of the copy. Hope it helps.

All the best,
Steve