Need feedback on my 3rd attempt at direct response mail

[oldgamer89]

Hi all,

I posted 2 direct response mail (DRM) body text in copywriting subreddit and i got some really nice and helpful feedback but for whatever reasons (maybe they thought I wasn't polite enough) I am probably banned since i can't post anything there now.

so, here are the first and second attempts (first is to make persona click a video about what to do after finishing their book and second one is to make persona click to shop camping boots)

1.
https://www.reddit.com/r/copywriting/co ... l_attempt/

Sub: Can't get your book to make any sales on Amazon?

Hello Ben,

So you finished your book at last? That's great news! Now you're finally on your way to be a successful self-published author.

But did you know that only 40 self-published authors got any meaningful success in the last 5 years on Amazon?

Yikes!

Finishing a book is tough as it is already but getting it to make a sale on Amazon? That's the next part.

That next part is the whole another marketing ballgame altogether which requires some of the final touches like:

• Professional editing because typos, pacing issues, and the dreaded plot holes keep your readers go and stay away.

• Proper formatting the book because Amazon requires specific formatting specifications, failing any of them hurts your selling scope.

• Professional cover design because people judge a book by its cover. If it is amateurish, no one would even look.

• Promotions, advertising, and proper keywords. As long as these work, your book will stay in sale.

• Momentum. Once a book gains a speed in sale, you need to maintain and increase the momentum.

You can see now that completing your book was only the initial part of you making it as an author process.

But what about The Next Part?

I have a great news to share with you regarding that.

Now worry no further about the next part since I have come up with an amazing, in-depth, step by step video detailing how to tackle The Next Part!

In this video I share the detailed steps a self-published author needs to do after finishing the book and before uploading the draft on Amazon, promotion tactics, and so much more.

Click here right now (or whenever you are free) to see that video and to know everything.

LINK

I'll be seeing you there.

Thanks

Martin

2.

https://www.reddit.com/r/copywriting/co ... pt_at_drm/

Hi Alex,

Did you know that sprain, strain, cuts, and wounds are the most common camping injuries?*

Bummer, right? Here's how some proper camping shoes help your family avoid those injuries:

•They provide tough resistance against sharp pebbles, thorns, rocky edges etc.

•They protect the feet from all sorts of wild nastiness; not just from water puddles.

•Your kids may want to jump from the tallest boulder and these shoes let them do that safely.

So, what're you waiting for? Hand-made by your local artisans, these camping shoes provide comfort, looks, and safety for those unpaved terrains.

Click now to add yours to the cart.

LINK

Hurry, offer is valid till stocks last.

Thanks

Martin

3.

Advices were mostly about keeping things short/brief and focusing on what the persona is getting.

Anyway, here is the third attempt that i tired for afterwards.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/18wTQCf ... drive_link

Hoping for some helpful feedback, guidance, suggestions, whatever. Thanks.

[SARubin]

Hi all,

I posted 2 direct response mail (DRM) body text in copywriting subreddit and i got some really nice and helpful feedback but for whatever reasons (maybe they thought I wasn't polite enough) I am probably banned since i can't post anything there now.


Advices were mostly about keeping things short/brief and focusing on what the persona is getting.

Anyway, here is the third attempt that i tired for afterwards.

drive.google.com/file/d/18wTQCfH5e587q0qB0PvHisMG2mFJxQj-/view?usp=drive_link

Hoping for some helpful feedback, guidance, suggestions, whatever. Thanks.

Hey oldgamer, welcome to the forum.
Yeah, some of the moderators on reddit can be a bit thin skinned. I've personally been kicked out of more than one subreddit for the horrendous crime of disagreeing with the moderators opinion.

Some of the feedback you got was good advice. When it comes to short form copy remember, brevity and focus.

As for your 3rd attempt, it looks good. The one thing I would change is the timeline of your discount, because as it sits right now there's no sense of urgency...

If you give people "all summer long" to get the 20 percent discount then there's no hurry to get the discount, so they move on with their day figuring they'll get back to it later.
Eventually they forget about it, and before you know it summer's over and you didn't sell any boots.

Better to shorten up the timeline and make it for the next 7 days, or the first 20 people, or until our limited supplies run out. That way people need to act quickly if they want the discount, right?

Hope that helps.
All the best,
Steve

[oldgamer89]

Thank you Steve.
My main worry has always been if whatever I create looks professional or not. Like in this one, that "20%" part looks sorta out of place in the body text. But yeah, create urgency, of course, i get it now. Thanks a lot again.

[SARubin]

Thank you Steve.
My main worry has always been if whatever I create looks professional or not. Like in this one, that "20%" part looks sorta out of place in the body text. But yeah, create urgency, of course, i get it now. Thanks a lot again.

You're very welcome.
Yeah, it's a bit awkward, but don't overthink it. Your copy is not great but you're just starting out. The best teacher you will ever have is experience.

What you need to do right now is find a market to sell to, study the market to figure out what they're currently buying (and the language they use when they talk about it), and find something to sell to them. Then track and measure the results.

Of course while you're doing this keep reading your books and and learning the ropes from as many good copywriters as you can find (never stop learning). But at some point, if you want to learn how to swim you have to dip your toe in the water...

All the best,
Steve

[oldgamer89]

Hey Steve,

Thanks again.
But i wonder and excuse my naivety here but how to like, do the market sell thing since I don't have any product to sell of my own. Like a mock email campaign? I am just practicing and while at it, creating samples. And right now, just focusing on Direct mail types to "absorb" this language and the feel.

Thanks

[SARubin]

Hey Steve,

Thanks again.
But i wonder and excuse my naivety here but how to like, do the market sell thing since I don't have any product to sell of my own. Like a mock email campaign? I am just practicing and while at it, creating samples. And right now, just focusing on Direct mail types to "absorb" this language and the feel.

Thanks

Sorry about that friend, I might've pushed you a little too fast. I was thinking back to when I first got started... I was out of work, desperate, and had to learn quick or face the very real possibility of starving to death. So I jumped in with both feet (sink or swim kinda thing). But I realize not everybody starts from the same place.

If you haven't seen it yet, here's a couple sections of the forum with a few resources that can help you get started on your way to becoming a good copywriter.

Take a look, some of it might be useful to you...

Copywriting Tips and Tricks

Copywriting Tools and Resources

All the best,
Steve

Just out of curiosity... why do you want to learn copywriting? Do you plan to sell products, or sell your copywriting services to other businesses, or some other reason? Just curious...

[jimmbrooke]

awesome post!!!!!!!!

[oldgamer89]

Hi Steve,
My apologies for a late response.
But, a huge thanks for pointing me towards the right direction.
Thanks!!

Yeah, do or die situations, tell me about it, back in '13 I was going through something similar. That's when I had to do a lot of odd jobs like selling tea leaves locally and BPO and whatnot.
Eventually I learned about copywriting since i also started content writing around 2015, yeah i know it took me long to notice CW but content writing made me complacent. And also, I wrote this book and uploaded it on Amazon but I got nothing and soon, I got so despaired and frustrated that all my efforts could only allow me to do what i was already doing.
Eventually life hit hard from everywhere and AI arrived too, so i kept losing my pittance of savings and no new content jobs. AI arrival is my best guess since no one replied back to my hundreds of applications. (back in 2022, 23)
Anyway, right now, I am starting from scratch to learn all that could make me a considerable copywriter so that i can raise the standards of my life, my family's life and save something on the side.
Yeah, so no passionate dreams or anything, maybe they'll arrive later. Just want to survive, and survive good.